Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
