I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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