We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
