Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
