I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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