"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
