Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
