She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You left your phone here
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