Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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