I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
