I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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