mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
