the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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