you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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