I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
