His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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