when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is wine microwaveable?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
