Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
