Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
