I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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