It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
