Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
