he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
