I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
