i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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