Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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