just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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