I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
