From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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