I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
