found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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