New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
