He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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