when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
