We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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