at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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