my phone needs a breathalizer
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
