Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
did i walk over a car last night?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
