He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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