anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
