I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
