End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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