Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
