I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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