I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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