apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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