I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
