you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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