well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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