It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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