I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
