so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
