I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
whose parrot is this?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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