she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
