You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
