Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
