last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
