I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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