Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
