How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
