you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize