ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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